If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
This anagram machine is out of order.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Sign at work today
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Double negatives are never not confusing.