Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.