emergency phone
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I would like even faster food.
asking santa clause for nudes
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.