If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder