Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.