* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
You Might Also Like
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good