“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
That lamp looks PISSED.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material