here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
That took me a moment.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Body by sandwich.