Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.