If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.