New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.