Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Most fashion shows these days…
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
normalize having existential bread
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter