Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
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One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir