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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.