A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.