Beware…..
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
inventing words: clothing
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf