It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
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Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes