I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
choose your gary
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail