911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Ape together strong
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.