My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.