Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
what’s the point then??
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…