Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The news in a nutshell.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.