Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I pray every night that I never become religious…
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂