date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star