I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.