Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…