Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple