Oh my god
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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
beware of dog
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”