MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.