They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
A short story about romance.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Who chose this font
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself