[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame