I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
You Might Also Like
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB