Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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I am a gravy boat captain
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder