*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk