Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”