🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I love the honesty
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.