Who does Amazon think I am?
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Whenever I鈥檓 upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I鈥檓 trying to eat
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that鈥檚 exactly what I needed in that moment 馃珷
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
im all 3
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.