I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.