On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual