Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.