Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science