(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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#Caturday
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.