Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
You Might Also Like
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.