[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
You Might Also Like
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
New comic up. “Ransom”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.