You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.