It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
You Might Also Like
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.