[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Cake!!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’