“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My work here is don’t.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
this came to me in a vision
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.