Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
No, YOUR illiterate.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open