*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Who chose this font
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Breaking news:
Meth is short for Elizameth.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.